Dave Gorman thinks he’s so clever, balancing rocks and stuff, like he’s fucking Michelangelo, or something. My mate 5olly gave it a go and this was his first attempt. I think we can safely say that Gorman is a FRAUD.
In other news, one of my pictures managed to make someone piss themselves on the latest flickrcast. It’d be great fucking publicity, if only people listened to the bloody things.
I was really hoping to find this in PPWP’s Archive, but it seems I don’t need to go rooting round in his dusty old boxes at all. I was on location in Fullburpham, near Staines, taking some shots of the toffs ready to go for their illegal fox-hunting regatta, when I passed this little shop and there it was, on full display!
The miserable old cunt running the place wanted £7.99 for it, I told him to go fuck himself and stuffed it under my jumper as soon as his back was turned. So now it is with great pleasure that I give you a little excerpt from “The Better Shot”:
“Hippies come in many guises, some don’t even wear tie-dye clothes anymore, but you can always recognise them by the smell, the dogs and the inane grins that comes with sticking good karma up your arse four times a day.
To successfully rid your property of travelling hippy cunts, there are 3 simple rules to follow.
1) Shoot first, ask questions later.
2) There is no such thing as wasting bullets.
3) Don’t bother with any questions, if you’ve done it properly they’ll all be dead at your feet anyway.”
Had a little treat to celebrate my new job working as junior lifestyle photographer at the Evening Argus, got myself a cute little puppy and cooked it up for dinner! I skinned, gutted and filleted it myself. Don’t ever let an English butcher near your prize meat, he’ll rape it in the face and you’ll lose all the best meat. In any case, there’s something so fucking horny about slicing a puppy and pulling its skin off, it really whets your appetite!
So, how to cook your puppy…? There are various traditional methods, including stir-frying it with ginger, chillis, powdered tiger bollocks and four dozen giant squid eggs, but you really can’t get the ingredients over here, not on my salary. Deep frying is a regional delicacy, but personally I think your fryer is really only for cooking guinea pig.
I went for the simplest option - after marinading it overnight, rub it with some sesame oil, and some cracked black pepper, then put it on the griddle for 8 minutes each side. Serve immediately with a sprig of parsley, some hot buttered new potatoes, a tub of coleslaw and a good bottle of Shiraz. Lip-smackingly good stuff!
As an aside, loupiote has an excellent step-by-step guide to dog preparation, I really can’t recommend it enough!
Voluntary work is very important to me, I do a day a week at the RSPCA shelter, walking dogs and playing with the little kitties that cunts have mistreated or abandoned. I’d love to be able to take one or two of them home, but the RSPCA won’t let me. Even more rewarding than that is going to the Speshal School and helping out for a couple of days a month. I take them for dance therapy sessions, take them out for walks, help them do their shoelaces up, go to the loo, anything they’re too retarded to do by themselves, basically.
Yesterday was great fun, I taught the kids some new moves, which they loved. We only had one injury this week! Stumpy Bob twisted his ankle trying to toss his partner over his shoulder, he’s always over-reaching that one. It’s such rewarding work though, and is making me feel a bit better about what happened on New Year’s Eve. Winston and I were at the train station and he accidentally knocked a kid in a wheelchair off the platform onto the rails! The thieving little cunt had been trying to steal Winston’s pineapple and he reacted as any man would. I pissed myself because I couldn’t tell if the kid was having a fit, or if he’d landed on the live wire!
As you undoubtedly saw on the news, Pulitzer Prize-winning photographer, Clicky McPhotographer, died on the 11th of November in Belmarsh Prison. He was arrested on the 3rd and was facing charges of cottaging and lewd behaviour. His sudden death in a toilet cubicle caused considerable distress and tributes poured in from around the world.
Winston made this collage in Paint, he says Photoshop is for cheats.
This distress was not eased by the constant harrassment we experienced from the security services. The cunts took nearly everything PPWP ever laid his hands on and thus we were deprived the comfort of his photos in our darkest hour…
Finally however, we have a breakthrough! MI5 have stopped twatting around and released Clicky McPhotographer’s computers, papers and various personal items. As the trustees of his estate, Winston and I have the daunting task of going through his papers and we hope to bring you some of the more publishable highlights of his considerable annals.
This was just the first of seventeen truckloads delivered by MI5.
It’s going to be a fucking hard task, not just emotionally, but many of the pages seem to be stuck together. Whatever the case, the archives are bringing Winston and I together to a place where we can both start to heal… and we love trawling through his life, we hope you will too!
A tribute piece I made in PPWP’s honour
So I’m just tinkering at the moment, putting some of my older Flickr stuff up, and thinking about what exciting things that’ll be appearing here any day now.
Or I’m doing fuck all and chatting to cunts…
Stuff after this is being added to retrospectively.
I started wrestling crocodiles when I was 4. They were always hiding under our house and snapping at your ankles, and it was only natural to want to strangle the scaly fucks, with their beady eyes and smelly breath.
I went professional at the age of eight and in 1995 I won my first world championship in Berlin. PPWP and Helmut Newton met there for the first time and got on famously! They only came out of the opium dens to watch my fights at the stadium.
It was also there that I perfected my trademark move the Shhexy Strangler. This is where you slip your hand in its throat and rip out its gizzard. It’s a real fucking turn-on, especially if you do it naked!
Possibly the best photo I have ever seen. It has it all, a hat, a common, raw human emotion.
This man’s work is an inspiration to us all. Just look at his rust photos for a truly inspirational experience.