Archive for the ‘Ask Corin’ Category

Rape Advice

Friday, March 17th, 2006

My mate, Dr Christopher Boueix, got his wrist broken when some drunken twat tried to beat him up. He’s getting between £1,000 to £4,000 compensation from the Victims of Violent Crime slush fund. Not bad going for a night on the town.

Chris was saying that you get compo for any violent crime, as long as you can prove that it has significantly injured you in some way. It is much harder to do this if the damage is merely psychological. Rape will, as often as not, fall into this category.

So, if you find yourself at the wrong end of a rapist, my advice to you is this: ask him nicely to make sure he gives you a broken bone or two - your nose, your ears, some ribs - anything really. If you’re very lucky, you’ll get a particularly well-endowed rapist who’ll break your pelvis in the natural course of things!

Just something to keep in mind.
:)

Posted in Ask Corin | 2 Comments »

Shhexy’s Advice Column

Thursday, March 16th, 2006

I received a missive from one of my readers this morning, asking for advice with their particular situation and I thought I’d share my response with you, in case you find my guidance useful yourself!

“Dear Shexxy,

I have a problem. A couple of months ago my electricity bill went way up. It turned out that my cat was growing marijuana in our basement. I had a long talk with her about the morals and legal risks of growing marijuana in our basement and she promised never to do it again.

Everything was fine for a couple of months until I found out that she had paid cash for a new BMW. I discovered that she was growing marijuana in our neighbor’s basement. When I confronted her, she simply pointed out that she had only promised to stop growing marijuana in OUR house.

On one hand I feel that she has betrayed my trust and lied to me, but on the other hand, I don’t like our neighbor and I wouldn’t mind seeing his snotty ass hauled away by the police. What should I do?

Anonymous,
1454 Columbus street.
White Plains, Kansas”

Well, Anonymous, I’d suggest that you go and get your fucking head checked out. You talk to your cat? “She” grows drugs? Sounds like a classic case of projection to me, you twat.

I bet your neighbour has things like a girlfriend, mates and some semblance of social life? Pull yourself together, get a haircut, some Issey Miyake and maybe leave your house once in a while.

If you really want to fuck you neighbour over though, marijuana really isn’t going to get them put in the slammer for long. Why not invite a niece or nephew over and get them to accuse him of touching them in their special places? Why not? Because your family won’t let you near them, that’s why.

Good fucking Christ, you’re pathetic.

Artistic impression of Anoymous - Sad Fucking Twat
Artist’s impression of “Anonymous”

If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if I can be bothered, maybe you can Ask Corin.

Posted in Ask Corin | 3 Comments »