♥ shhexycorin ♥

This is a great one for kids’ parties. A simple recipe, healthy food for the obese children this sugar-soaked nation seems intent on breeding, that might just get them off the Potato Waffles and onto the finer things in life.

It’s also good to create a bit of a fun connection between kids and their food and what better than two Disney classics particularly beloved of the under-tens? Bambi’s shit, I’ve never seen Babe, I’ve no doubt it’s a piece of worthless, sentimental, moralising claptrap like its predecessor, but, hey, they’re kids, they’re fucking moronic cunts.

Get yourself a piglet (there’s a Winnie the Pooh connection here too!) and little baby deer. No older than 4 months for either animal. Chuck them live into the food processor, at that age it’s all edible… and at that age kids can’t tell the difference.

Bambi & Babe Burgers, mmm… perfect after a long day’s hunting.

Add a raw egg, capers, chopped onion, Farley’s Rusks, Dijon mustard, a teaspoon of monkey spunk and whole green chillis. Pummel hard with your fists until it’s all mixed nicely.

You could just make them burger-shaped, but with a bit of artistic flair you can make them into the shape of a pig or deer. Serve with usual accoutrements, but make sure you use sunflower seed granary wholegrain floury baps, just in case one of the kids has some sort of cunting allergy. There is little in life that’s funnier than watching a kid go into anaphylactic shock. Gives me the fucking horn every time.

With any luck you’ll have given the kids AIDS from the monkey spunk too. Over-population of this planet is REAL and it’s COMING, the more you do to prevent it, the better. Plus kids are a fucking blight on my life, who can blame me for wanting a bit of revenge?

Jamie Oliver eat your fucking heart out! I’m much shhexier naked too.

The rabbits must be taken alive; once captured you should blind them or keep them in a lightless box for a month to gorge on grass, carrots and cabbage. When they’ve reached four times their normal size, drown them in a snifter of Scrumpy.

Cooking Le Petit Lapin is simplicity itself. Simply pop them in a high oven for six to eight minutes and serve. The secret is entirely in the eating. First you cover your head with a funeral shroud. Then place the entire bunny into your mouth. Only its head should dangle out from between your lips. Bite off the head and discard.

Fresh out of the oven, the bunny will be so hot that you must rest it on your tongue while inhaling rapidly through your mouth.

When cool, begin to chew. It should take about 15 minutes to work your way through the skin and muscles, the delicately crackling bones, and on to the inner organs. The lungs and heart, saturated with cider from its drowning, are said to burst in a booze-soaked flower on the diner’s tongue. Enjoy with a good Claret.

Le Petit Lapin: feel their little bones crunch in your mouth!

I’ve known there was a market for Albanian Badger ever since I first tasted it on holiday a couple of years ago. PPWP had taken me along to attend to him during a three month riverboat cruise. It was there I learnt the secret of preparing an Albanian badger in a truly lip-smacking way.

As it’s a secret, I obviously can’t tell you how to cook it. But, let’s say, you were to experiment with a badger, an otter’s spleen and half a gallon of finest panda piss, you will probably stumble upon the recipe yourself!

So we returned from holiday, but those badgers were never far from my mind. Then one day, my close friend, Nuggets Mahoney mentioned that he had friends in Albanian Customs who might be able to turn a blind eye to the stringent restrictions placed on exporting these endangered animals. “Fuck yeah!” I thought.

After a little bit of drama due to me being a bit of a dunce about paperwork, the first shipment arrived this morning. So should you fancy trying your hand at one of the tastiest dishes on the planet, drop me a line and I’ll get you some of the shhexiest meat you’ve ever tasted.

A fine specimen of an Albanian badger, I skinned it alive and made a lovely hat.

A couple of years ago I was on holiday in Copenhagen, nicking their free bikes, getting cunted in Christiania and doing dirty things to the Little Mermaid.

I was dancing for my dinner one night at the Spiseloppen, when the waiters got very agitated because a VIP guest was asking for something they couldn’t prepare. Then this booming voice cried out, “JUST GIVE ME DOG! I WANT DEAD DOG!”

Instantly I knew I was the girl for the job and offered my services to the head chef, Lars. Fuck me, were those hunky chunks glad to see me. Getting the meat wasn’t a problem, with all those hippy cunts around, there were plenty of puppies scampering by. Only the best for the Prince’s table!

Within the hour, I’d served up two of my world-famous recipes, the Prince wolfed them down with relish and demanded to see the chef. He told me that he had never tasted dog so good, that my culinary flair was truly the greatest he had encountered and that I was to be installed as his personal chef at the palace!

Well, I could hardly say no, could I? I served under the man for six months, teaching the 30 or so other kitchen staff the tips of my trade - how to kill, flay, marinade, stuff and sauté a dog, what to do with its teeth and how to make a nice ruff with the collection of tails you have hanging by the door.

One of Prince Henrik’s favourite meals. Here we were just about to strangle the pup and make it into Dog Tartare.

Eventually I decided to take my leave of the palace. The Prince was in tears when I left, telling me that he would never forget me, as he owed his current health and happiness to my recipes.

Then what happens this week? There was outrage across the world when Henrik mentioned that he is partial to eating a bit of dog. Too fucking right there was outrage, stories in every newspaper and not one mention of his beloved Shhexy Chef! What a fucking cunt, I’m going to start a revolution in Denmark, decapitation is too good for that ungrateful twat.

Mmmm… Carpaccio of dog.

After a heavy weekend, there’s little better than the flesh of a new-born puppy to revive those party spirits.

There’s really only one way to enjoy this rare delicacy, the Tuscan dish, Carpaccio of Dog. Take your sharpest knife and slice thick ribbons off the little critter (you may wish to bind its mouth).

Drizzle the slices with olive oil and lemon juice, add parmesan shavings, capers and black pepper. Serve with warm, crusty bread, some good red wine and keep both sets of balls as the chef’s privilege!

Lip-smackingly good stuff.

Shhexycorin’s Pork Soup recipe has been a worldwide success since it hit the internet back in November. Now some cunts have stolen the recipe and made their own tinned version. You can see for yourself how disgracefully they are interpreting my creation!

The pigs they use are about twenty times older than the maximum recommended age for Pork Soup and the meat:stock ratio is about 1% of what it should be. Don’t get me started on the hygiene aspect of preparing soup like this… I’m all for a hands-on approach to cooking, but wading around in it is a step TOO FAR.

Dirty pikey cunts making Pork Soup the wrong way. They will pay.

Now the very worst of this is that people are serving this tinned crap at dinner parties and claiming that it’s a Shhexycorin Original! Their guests assume that the decomposing pile of vomit in front of them is actually how it’s supposed to be cooked and, when they get the squits the next day, my good name goes down even further.

Butch Kev, not gay.

If I find out that you’ve lied to your dinner guests about Pork Soup, I will spang you in the face with a very pointy shovel. Or I’ll send my mate Kev round to cleave you in two with his Axe of Pain. He’s dead butch, so you’ll probably shit your pants when he comes knocking at your door and die in a puddle of your own faeces. Ask yourself, is it really worth it?

You have been warned: DON’T EAT SHITTY PROCESSED FOOD AND DO NOT LIE ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE HAVING FOR YOUR DINNER.

About to eat the baby’s ear

You should look no further than this picture of a rabid hound of death ripping a month-old baby to shreds. The cunt just went for it, ripping the hair off in one clean bite, then proceeding to eat the baby’s face, stopping only to dip its tongue in some celery salt (I assume this dog thought it was some sort of connoisseur).

Now, I’m, sure this absolutely disgusts you, but this whole affair leaves me in something of a moral quandry, I mean I can’t stand dogs but babies make me want to do stabby things to them… Of course the perfect shholution is that the mutt can dispose of the kid and then I can get away with slaughtering the dog for dinner with society’s blessing. Result!

I cooked this one using the excellent The George Foreman Lean, Mean Dog-Grilling Machine™, but spiced it up a little it with a badger spleen and rhubarb leaf stuffing. It was lip-smackingly tasty.

As an afterthought - do you see what a terrible fashion taste dogs have? I wouldn’t even let my uncle with Down’s Syndrome wear something so retarded.

A fresh carcass, ripe for a good plucking

It’s not often that you get to cook with such a rare bit of meat. Llamas are notoriously healthy breeders and rarely fuck up in childbirth. So a getting your hands on a stillborn llama carcass is like fucking golddust.

So, here’s my recipe, learnt from an Argentinian gaucho by the name of Rodrigo Gillipollaz.

Roast Stillborn Llama

Stillborn llama are usually 10-25 pounds. Allow at least one pound of llama per person. A 24-inch barbecue unit will hold a 15 lb llama; a 30-inch unit will hold up to 25 lb. A larger animal will require cooking equipment with greater capacity.

Preparing the Stillborn
Wash llama thoroughly inside and out with cold running water; remove any tissues from cavity. Dry completely inside and out.

Rub body cavity with salt and pepper, and desired seasonings (garlic, thyme, rosemary, etc.).

Fill cavity firmly with a dressing of your choice. Dressing will prevent the sides from collapsing during cooking. Sew up opening with heavy string.

Cooking the Stillborn

Stick the animal on your hot barbecue. Cook for about an hour and half, make sure you burn the fuck out of it if you want Llama Crackling as a starter. Serve the animal whole, on the table and allow your guests to wet themselves with excitement as they tear the animal to shreds.

Had a little treat to celebrate my new job working as junior lifestyle photographer at the Evening Argus, got myself a cute little puppy and cooked it up for dinner! I skinned, gutted and filleted it myself. Don’t ever let an English butcher near your prize meat, he’ll rape it in the face and you’ll lose all the best meat. In any case, there’s something so fucking horny about slicing a puppy and pulling its skin off, it really whets your appetite!

So, how to cook your puppy…? There are various traditional methods, including stir-frying it with ginger, chillis, powdered tiger bollocks and four dozen giant squid eggs, but you really can’t get the ingredients over here, not on my salary. Deep frying is a regional delicacy, but personally I think your fryer is really only for cooking guinea pig.

I went for the simplest option - after marinading it overnight, rub it with some sesame oil, and some cracked black pepper, then put it on the griddle for 8 minutes each side. Serve immediately with a sprig of parsley, some hot buttered new potatoes, a tub of coleslaw and a good bottle of Shiraz. Lip-smackingly good stuff!

As an aside, loupiote has an excellent step-by-step guide to dog preparation, I really can’t recommend it enough!

The perfect winter-warmer, guaranteed to stave off pneumonia and Avian Bird Flu .

You may get a little upset as you drop the piglets into the pot, but I find it just gives me the fucking horn.

Ingredients
1.2l/2 pint pig stock1.2
Handful piglets - no older than 6 months
450g/1lb pork belly, shredded
2 trotters
2 onions, peeled and sliced
2 sticks celery, finely chopped
2 carrots, peeled and finely diced
1 tbsp freshly chopped parsley
55g/2oz lard
55g/2oz plain flour
Salt and pepper
Pork scratchings to garnish

Bring the stock to the boil, add all the ingredients and watch the piggies squeal!

Garnish with herb, and you’re all done.